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Fiddlesticks!

Give a Man a Tractor . . .

One fine winter day, George asked if someone, anyone, would mind using the Kubota tractor to plow out the driveway. Little did George know that he had plenty of aspiring tractor drivers who had just been chomping at the bit, waiting for George to make the mistake of offering a turn at the controls. It seems that every male of the species is a professional tractor operator, regardless of ability, training, familiarity, or common sense.

One wouldn’t think that one-inch-thick steel pins could be snapped by piles of snowflakes, or that half-inch-thick steel plate could be bent like mere tin foil, but apparently the R gear on a tractor is to be used for Ramming. It seems that snow covers various obstacles like tree stumps, boulders, and miscellaneous farm implements. If a tractor plow driver assumes an unusually high snowdrift is just that, a high snowdrift, and not a large immovable object merely covered by snow, bad things may happen. It’s a good thing that none of these operators actually owned the tractor, or they might have been truly upset at the cost of repairs that winter.

The reader might also be surprised to learn that tractors can and do perform front-wheel wheelies, a move so advanced that only a professional tractor stunt driver can accomplish it without too much breakage to man or machine. If a true professional tractor stunt driver picks up a 1,000 pound bale of hay and tries to lift it as high as possible, so as to be able to see under the bale and not have to be bothered to look over the top of it, there comes a point in the height of the lift where middle school physics will be remembered. Especially the labs on levers and leverage.

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