The Innersnet

The Farm proudly boasts Innersnet service as one of its amenities. Originally conceived to deliver information more rapidly and accurately than two passing neighbors parked along the county road, the Innersnet has become an indispensable part of modern living, or so we here in Bonner County have heard. We have also heard that the Innersnet was conceived as a series of tubes, like the ones in our black and white TV sets. However it is supposed to work worldwide, in Bonner County the Innersnet runs on smoke signals, just like the Indians used to use before the white man showed up.

Oh sure, the phone company sold George some chingadero that plugs into a phone line somewhere and has flashing lights to tell one the status of its tubes and what they are allegedly doing, but no one here is falling for that overpriced ruse. Because the simple fact is that when one is burning off slash piles, having a bonfire, or has the wood stove really putting out heat, the Innersnet can be readily accessed with super-strong reception. Let any of those fires dissipate, and the Innersnet fades with the flames.

One can always call the service provider to complain, but after the relocated Mayberry operator spends five minutes inquiring about everyone’s health and the hay harvest, one usually forgets the reason for the call. Assuming one actually remembers the reason for the call and that a connection is actually established with the service provider, then the complainer will be given some song and dance about the service working up to the panel box on the property line.

Now if the service is working to there, wouldn’t one assume that it should make it all the way to the chingadero with the pretty flashing lights? After all, it only has to pass through 300 yards of the finest pieced-together wire that could be obtained from the dumpsters of construction sites or, God forbid, purchased from the local Habitat For Humanity. Despite the lack of conduit, multiple splices wrapped with assorted types of colored tapes, and varying wire sizes, surely the Innersnet must work as advertised, right?

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