Nobody said being a slumlord would be easy! Use this guide to keep track of all the whosies & whatsits of everyone and everything in the stories.
Fiddlesticks! and Campfire Tales both have a Dikshunary included in the back of the book.
Angus: An idle woodworker going through a divorce. Angry and intimidating, he could probably work as a mob enforcer were it not for his back pain and pot habit.
Automobile Death Row: An area along the Farm’s long driveway where non-working vehicles and farm equipment are permanently parked to rust away.
Benny, aka Dirka Dirka: A former reform school student of George’s who became a Jehovah’s Witness to help cope with his bipolar mood swings. Known as Sandpoint’s sole homeless person, he is dating Sandpoint’s sole Muslim woman, nicknamed Burqa Dirka.
Bonner Boogie: An ongoing migration of a segment of the local population unable to find a permanent place to live due to lack of affordable housing, limited employment opportunities, divorce, addictions, criminal backgrounds, or all of the above.
Bonner County: Remote, mountainous county located in the northern Panhandle of Idaho about 40 miles from the Canadian border. Population: 40,000. Sandpoint is its largest town.
Buffy’s, aka BFE’s: A local watering hole close to the Farm.
Bum Mart: A convenience store in downtown Spokane, Washington notorious for being a nuisance property.
Catch and Release, aka C&R, Chase & Rape, Chasin’ Roofies: Online dating site used by various singles at the Farm.
Chet: An affable, industrious twenty-five year old who moved to North Idaho from the East Coast. A survivor of a near fatal motorcycle crash, he likes to work on cars and on various women around the Farm.
Chupacabra: Latin America’s version of Sasquatch and the Spanish word for goat sucker.
Claire: An overweight single mother with a young son, she is solidly obsessed with food. Other hobbies include marijuana, sport sex, and trading pets on GregsList.
Coc Rom Pod: One of Gabriella’s parroted Thoughtless Reality mantras that means Creation of Chaos, Reality of Manipulation, Power of Destruction.
Co-Op: A local farm and ranch supply store.
Country Kiss: Online dating site used by various singles at the Farm.
Crystal and Seth, aka the Crackhead Kids: Two former reform school students of George’s who move to the Farm with serious drug problems and their two daughters. Everyone starts locking their doors and Child Services have them on speed dial.
Cutting the cords, aka #getyourcordscut: One of Gabriella’s parroted Thoughtless Reality mantras which she chants while waving her arms around to sever unwanted energy coming her way.
Daedalus Dingle, aka Dade: A mysterious man who moved into George’s house and then vanished without a trace one week later, leaving his belongings in the tool shed.
Darlene, aka Chupacabra: A retired woman in her 60s who showed up one day with a moving truck full of furniture and no plan whatsoever. Fond of drinking heavily before noon and preaching right and wrong to anyone within earshot.
Dean and Diana: A maladjusted couple in their 30s who started out at the Farm living in a tent in the hay barn and ended up living in squalor in Ted’s disease-ridden cabin in exchange for free rent.
Diet Flat Water: The light beer of choice of J.D. and Randy, usually purchased in handy 30-can party packs at least once a day. The gas station backstocks an extra pallet just for the Farm.
Dirk: A flight instructor in his 20s in the area for a summer gig, he arrives at the Farm to rent sofa space and ends up living in a chicken coop.
Earl: A former reform school student of George’s who wants to start his own construction business, but is hampered by a meth and opiate habit.
Earthship: The name of the smallest and northernmost log cabin at the Farm, the large boulder beside it, and sometimes the meadow that it is located in.
Eleanor: Unhealthy, unemployed woman on welfare, she spends her time glued to the TV and hobbling outside to smoke cigarettes.
Eva: A stern, quiet woman in her 40s who came to North Idaho to get away from people and start her own organic farm. Lives off-grid in one of the remote cabins and sticks to herself. After a disastrous affair with Nigel she’s relentlessly pursued by most of the men at the Farm.
Fat Family: Family of four, all of whom are grossly overweight. Both parents are covered in tattoos and the mother has a penchant for meth and ferrets.
Fiddlesticks!: George’s favorite curse word.
Foster Brooks: A 1970s-era comedian famous for his portrayals of drunkards.
Freedom Creek: Geoffrey’s discount Cabernet Sauvignon of choice, only available in magnum jugs or picnic lunch foil packs. The mass merchandiser in town backstocks an extra pallet just for the Farm.
Gabriella von Heisenberg, aka The Lady of the Manor, The Duchess, Wet Blanket: George’s nutty ex-wife of three times who comes and goes. A chronic hoarder who tears the house apart and busies herself with pointless projects. Her involvement with the Thoughtless Reality metaphysical group controls George and the Farm.
Geoffrey: An arrogant, semi-retired civil engineer who lives in the sunroom. Constantly drunk on cheap wine, he has no short term memory and repeats stories endlessly. Spends his time pretending to be a cowboy and pursuing any woman between the ages of 18 and 80.
George Mooney, aka The Lord of the Manor, El Jefe: The Farm’s patriarch. A gentle, simple man with a heart of gold. A retired reform school teacher, he believes in tolerance, diversity, and second, third, fourth, and fifth chances. He is on a perpetually steep learning curve as a landlord. Married to Gabriella three times and counting; father of J.D., Sage, and Sinnamon.
GregsList: Online classified ad site where George advertises rooms for rent.
Hilo and Lenora: Hippie couple who lived at the Farm for a year prior to everyone else. They came back to visit often until Wendy accused Lenora of witchcraft and scared them off.
Innersnet: The Farm’s version of the Internet, so slow it is rumored to run on smoke signals.
J.D.: George’s son, a former Dakota oil field worker who returns to the family farm to avoid some legal issues. Normally covered in grease or oil, he is very mechanically inclined and will usually work for beer or tacos. Nobody knows what J.D. stands for so everyone assumes it means Just Drunk.
Jeff Spicoli: The main stoner character from the movie Fast Times at Ridgemont High.
Jess: A pretty young woman from Alaska who decided to live in George’s flea market building rather than chance living at the Farm.
Jethrow: An unemployed man who claimed to be suffering from cancer and therefore was unable to pay rent or help around the Farm.
Jim, aka Sasquatch: The Farm’s resident joker who moved from Arizona and hangs around wearing shorts and flip-flops year round. Semi-retired and going through a divorce, he ended up at the Farm to be near his daughters. His Golden Retrievers are often seen lounging on the front porch.
Kellie, aka White Fang: A raging alcoholic, tattoo collector, and forty-year-old grandmother of two who claimed to be part wolf. J.D. moved her onto the Farm after one date.
Lacey: Susan’s adult daughter, she moved to the Farm with her four daughters. Her stunning beauty is masked by ugly tattoos from head to toe and a nagging heroin addiction. She has issues being employed.
Larry, aka The Spook: Retired CIA field agent who couch-surfed at the Farm while searching for a place to retire to.
Legacy, aka the Old Side, the Men’s Side: The oldest half of the Farm’s main house.
Leslie, aka Just Strange: A half-deaf woman in her 40s, she lived primitively in a shed and one of the cabins for months until George forced her out for non-payment of rent. Never spoke to anyone at the Farm and shouted at any man who approached her.
Luke and Lorna, aka The Adventists: Very strict Seventh Day Adventists who run a puppy mill upstairs in George’s house. They have a son who is visibly malnutritioned even though the parents are food hoarders and leach the system for all they can.
Matt and Marissa: A couple in their early 30s who moved to the Farm in an unsuccessful attempt to get Matt of off opiates.
Nancy: A disabled woman in-cahoots with her dim-witted brother, Nigel. She spends most of her time complaining about everything and coaching her brother on how to rip off the Farm for as much as they can get.
Newerish, aka the New Side, the Girl’s Side: The newer half of the Farm’s main house.
Nigel: A smooth-talking drifter and grifter who secretly hates everyone. He arrived at the Farm with his sister, Nancy, and a growing collection of non-functional jalopies. He develops an overnight fascination with gardening and reading after setting his sights on Eva.
OkieDokee: George’s beer of choice, it is a small step above Diet Flat Water.
Old Joe: Lonely old man with nothing to do and nowhere to be. He moved to the Farm from Chicago, just because, and made everyone’s lives hell for a few months.
Ozzy and Olivia: A former reform school student of George’s and his girlfriend. Olivia was in the process of getting clean while Ozzy preferred the allure of meth and destroying things around the Farm in exchange for room & board.
Ponderosa, aka Angus’ cabin, The Whorehouse: One of three log cabins at the Farm.
Potatobook: North Idaho’s leading social media platform on the internet.
Randy: Part of the county’s notorious White family, Randy is a workaholic, alcoholic cancer-surviving construction worker cowboy who is now on disability. He is married to Susan.
Rascal!: George’s second favorite curse word.
Rattle Can: Spray paint.
Reverend Jeremy: An older man resembling a mad scientist, with a shock of white hair, curious mumblings, and a rolling laboratory. He showed up at the Farm, Okie-style, in an old rusted out ice cream van with cardboard boxes and luggage lashed to the sides.
Safeway: A grocery store in Sandpoint. George considers it to be the center of the universe for giving out directions.
Sage: George’s eldest daughter, a ditzy pot-addicted stripper who is transitioning into a career in legalized marijuana. Hides out in the third floor attic penthouse of the house and is seldom seen.
Sand Creek Tavern: A local watering hole near the Farm.
Sandpoint: Town of 8,000 located a few miles south of the Farm near the northern edge of Lake Pend Oreille.
Shazam!: George’s favorite exclamation.
Sinnamon: George’s youngest daughter who realized she was gay and moved to San Francisco after college. She visits the Farm every Christmas.
Spokanistan, aka the ‘Stan: The city of Spokane, Washington.
Steel Barn, aka the Metal Building: The Farm’s main storage facility originally built to store hay, but is now a junk hoarder’s paradise.
Susan: Randy’s wife, she spends her time trying to monitor his beer intake and her daughter’s drug habit. She often babysits her four grandchildren at the Farm.
Ted, aka the Unabomber: Single man in his 40s, very solitary and anti-social. Lives in a crude plywood shack he built and dragged out into the woods beside the Farm’s swamp.
Ted’s Cabin, aka Unabomber Shack, The Porn Pit: A patched-together, disease-ridden plywood shack tucked away in the north woods of the Farm.
Thoughtless Reality: A worldwide metaphysical energy group offering prestigious pay-to-play membership levels and expensive training classes. Gabriella became brainwashed by their teachings after her first divorce from George. (See Coc Rom Pod, Cutting the cords)
Toby, aka Slave Labor Toby: Eva’s son who spent a summer at the Farm after college working the gardens with his mother.
Walden: The largest and southernmost of the Farm’s three log cabins.
Walter White: Star of the TV show Breaking Bad, about a terminally ill high school chemistry teacher who becomes an underground meth producer and dealer to support his family.
Wendy: A divorced woman in her 50s with horses who came to North Idaho to start a new life. A suspicious and hostile Jehovah’s Witness who accuses all the women of witchcraft and tries to take George for all she can.
Wes and Esmerelda, aka The Christian Doomsday Preppers: A born-again ex-con with drug tattoos on his head and arms who loved to debate the Bible with everyone. His wife barely spoke English and left her baby laying on the floor.
X Games: The Olympics of high risk action sports.
It was like some sort of intentional community gone terribly awry, like a hippie commune, but without a hippie in sight. And if George was some sort of cult leader, he sure was a damn stupid one.
The Spook, Campfire Tales